Terra Cotta

Terra Cotta is a slightly squashed world in the corner of a galaxy, made from the left over bits of other worlds. The gods (who may be extinct, or at the very least out to a long golfing lunch) once made the world as an art project and quite cruelly put many different species on it just to see what would happen. The early and most observant people found frayed edges of creation and pulled on them, thus was born magik, though every spell has a cost, as many early magikians found to their peril. You only die once, was the first official witch's motto.

Terra Cotta boasts vast, diverse landscapes: sprawling human kingdoms, ancient Faery forests that shift with the seasons, and sun-drenched plains where centaur clans roam freely, in the same way that humans working in a coal mine are part of a free market. Beneath the surface of the planet, labyrinthine tunnels house many industrious mice, whose underground metropolises rival human cities in complexity (and snack availability).

Places

Almost Virgin Isles

A popular stop for thirsty sailors. Located in the middle of the Specific Ocean, The Almost Virgin Isles is inhabited by a tribe of unquestionably beautiful women of slightly questionable virtue.

Ashtrai

Soaring Scalps, Leather Hosiery, and button up shoes. Famous for their fashion sense and a type of throaty mountain singing called doodling.

Bongland

The country of Bong is actually named after Big Bong and not the other way round, which would be Dnalgnob. Bongland is a country rich in artes and craftes, tea, tales of ancient witchery, and pies. The favourite pastime of Bongians is complaining about the weather.

Bulging

Produce most of the world's fine chalklit from beans imported from the Friccan empire.

Twinne

A sprawling bohemian town filled with artistes, writers, dreamers, and debt collectors.

Twyne

Much like Twinne, but without any fun and everyone wears suits and works all the time. You’ll mostly find bankers, taxmin, and more debt collectors.

Norphumbleland

A place of war, Faeries, and corn fish pies. Many a war was fought, and lost in Norphumbleland, thus was born the expression "To eat phumble pie".

Frankia

A delightful culinary country of rolling meadows, green onions, and lightly browned men.

Château Briand – A large estate home where writers go to get away from the hustle and bustle of waking up at noon.

Fricca

Friccan pickmes are exceptional cooks, especially around family gatherings, what they call Haute Cousin.

Graka

The Grakans are widely regarded as the clumsiest of all the Terra Cottons, as evidenced by an enormous amount of broken dinnerware lying around. Once a great and illustrious culture, they were forced to learn Loo-Tin by their invaders and invented spinach tarts as revenge.

West Bonk

A controversial area of Terra Cotta claimed by at least three ancient kingdoms and two modern ones. Yet it remains culturally left-of-center of the Jade Feast.

Bindi

Momboy – The capital city. Momboys are soft and effeminate with a love for silk trousers.

Mansylvania

A country of brooding men with widow's peaks and cloaks.

Nishnosh

Famous trading port in Graca

Spank

Home of bull fights. Chief exports are bullshit and omellette, a type of small omelle.

Mudred – The capital city

Slowveina

Specific Ocean

There is exactly one ocean on Terra Cotta, the Specific.

Formica

Home of cheap but useful gadgets like the self cleaning duster and the eclectic bicycle.

Nikkon

A great city famous for its beautiful scenery and expertly crafted glass lenses.

The Mung Roll Empire, aka The Isle of Dogs

The Western half of the Formican greatland is divided by an even greater wall some say is visible from Spank, especially after two shaqiras. The Great Wall of Formica was actually built to keep the Formicans in. It was built under the philosophy “If you build it you can put up a sign saying 50% off and people will queue outside for half a day.”

Raviola

Famous for its knocky

Dentland

A country so flat any mound taller than a house is inhabited by herds of sherpas.

The Ditch people are like the country – cold, filled with irony and engineering. Moderately good sailors who make extraordinarily good cheese and extraordinarily bad meatballs.

If you dig in the dirt you will find iron, and this helped the Ditch become world class engineers before other civilizations even had their boots on.

Twerp. Destroyed by fires in the Muddle Ages. It was rebuilt under the treatise of Ants.

Famous painters are Van Moer, who painted the famous Dogges Playinge Pokyr and The Milkman, and Van Ick, who painted the fences on Spykerbroek Road.

Ditchland

If countries had a yearbook it would say under Ditchland – Most likely to be confused with Dentland. Ditchlanders are not Ditch, and never will be.

Ditchlanders like sausage, beer, and not talking about the past. They value words by the pound, and never use a short word where a long word will do. Like Korttrekkingsbeeldgebrek, which means ‘abbreviate’. To foreigners, the traditional Ditchland Poem of The Delicate butterfly sounds like three dogs spitting up the remains of a ginger biscuit, but to Ditchlanders the language must be spoken with a calm feminine tone, and only then does it become beautiful.

The Jade Feast

Raqqa – A major trade gate between the Silkworm Road and the Big Ocean. A desert city, Raqqa’s main export is boredom. A lot of metal parts are cast there by talented sandcastlers. If you can make it there you probably can’t make it anywhere else for less.

Gypsym, the Capital City, famous for the great Pairmaids dotting the landscape in all cup sizes.

The Nail River – A fun place to hang out when you’re hammered.

Tobleron – famous for its controversial pointy buildings. King Toot wanted to be buried nose up and had a monument erected in his honour.

Asgrab – Nighclubs, Dayclubs, and empty wallets. If you like cheap dates you will love the food too.

Illinbed – A small but important town that sells the best camels at best price, best quality.

Ptooie – The famous Lentil Brothers emporium is a one-stop shop for carriage repair, botany, and special cigarillos.

Badhdad – A lot of thieves proudly grew up in Badhdad from single mothers. The fact that they all share the same eyebrows as the milkman goes unnoticed.

Mouse Onion – famous branch of libraries that includes the Library of Alekazam and the Mousetrap, a small niche library with books about libraries.

The Well Hung Gardens of Bobby Long

Rusk

Gold and pink buildings with pointy ends and men who dance with their arms crossed.

Scarabia

Bindi

Seashelles

Famous for its tribe of pickmes.

Centaurion

The mythical capital city of the Centaurs.

Rumains – Rumainia

Norphen Sea

Muddy Tar Sea

Wallabee – A strange continent filled with terrifying giant animals who wear boxing gloves, and more terrifying, giant spiders who use fishing nets.

Rustland

Rustic people are very tall, strong, with iron deficiencies.

Asstrailing

Where men are men and the women are men and the mangaroos are men.

The Urinals

A very moist mountain range in Rusk.

Weights and Measures

Currency

Pins – smallest unit of currency in Bongland. Pins are ridiculously hard to make and thus time = money means pins are legal tender.

Needles – 1 needle = 2 pins.

Button – second smallest unit of currency. 1 Button = 12 pins.

Coin – a gold coin with most of the edges shaved off, filed down, or stamped flat, so that the coins were little more than gold foil.

Time

Tinkle – There are sixty tinkles in a bell, and twenty bells in a turn.

Bell – named after Big Bong. One bell rings out twenty times a turn unless Gerald has fallen asleep.

Season – the Big Turn is divided into four seasons like a flatbread.

Big Turn, or Big Sun – Terra Cotta orbits Al Lark once every three hundred and thirty three days

Yarn – older form of Big Turn, usually written in Faery Tales.

Yonks – a long time. It is highly contextual and could mean a few days (I haven’t seen her in yonks) or a few eons (we haven’t had a decent revolution in yonks), or a few mules.

Days of the week – Named after the Sun (Ra), the Moon (Ma), and their Five Children – Mike, Tuir, Wooden, Thump, Fryggit, and Sultan

The Muddle Ages – a period of history where people accidentally waged war on the wrong nation due to a spelling mistake.

Distance

Mule – the distance one mule can carry a full load of straw before collapsing.

Camel meter – the same, but for camels.

Knot – a distance of nautical travel. The length of time it takes to untangle a standard fishing net.

Math

Metamathemagiks – a way to trick people into believe there are such things as negative four cows.

Metaphysiks – the makeup of the universe, and some of the skin cream too.

Séance. Done by Séantists.

Hyppopotamus – the sign of the hyppopotamus is equal to the cosign of the tangle.

Twigonometry – A way of counting without numbers. 5 Sticks is a bundle, b, and 10 sticks is a bunch, b. Thus 2b or not 2b is a good question that can occupy a mathemagikian for decades.

Trickonometry – A type of Twigonometry that is incomprehensible to most people. One of the hardest parts is called Long Division.

Wonton Physiks – A branch of study involving finding Quacks, Moo-ons, and Liptons in Tea Space. Bosoms travel between matter in the Hick's Field, while Fur Minions make stuff you can feel.

The Hick's Bison is a type of wave that carries information across the field.

People

Maple Leaf St. Claire

Maple Leaf St. Claire is a fortune teller who lives, occasionally, in the city of Twyne. She's a tea-fueled, sarcasm-infused detective with a penchant for solving supernatural crimes and hexing people who waste her time. Armed with a grimoire in one hand and a Half Eaton Bun in the other, she solves mysteries that range from stolen spellbooks to ghosts who refuse to pay rent, and murder. With a sharp mind, a sharper tongue, and a cat that may or may not be possessed, Maple Leaf is on the case, whether the case likes it or not.

Dr. Robart Feck

Dr Feck is a séantist at the Twyne Insitute of Technology and Séance. When not teaching or experimenting with wonton physiks, he's sometimes out helping Maple Leaf with the more mekanikal parts of Terra Cotta.

Vinny t. Goth.

Aspiring artist, thief, and suitor of Arkasha.

Lady Grey

The enigmatic wife of the Earl of Grey. Lady grey moves politically within circles within circles.

Earl Grey

Formerly The Earl of Gray, Earl Grey is Maple Leaf's faithful cat companion. Once in a blue moon he more-or-less reverts to his former self, a swish debonair playboy with rippling muscles and a penchant for the finer things in life. Earl Grey is a great philosopher, being transformed into his present shape by three evil witches has left him with deep cynicism, but he is able to offer Maple wise council on occasion.

Witch Hammer Malleus Malefatorum

There is nothing on this earth that Malleus Malefatorum despises more than witches. He wants every last one of them burned, scraped up, and pounded into bricks. As the spiritual leader of The Order, second only to the Pupa himself, his word is law. Woe betide any serf who undercooks his breakfast, for Malleus is demanding of culinary excellence as he is of torture.

Captain Dourheart

Captain of The Order. He follows orders at all times, but does occasionally question the orders when it comes to executing kiddies. He still does it, but in a more kind-hearted way.

Captain Wraithbone

Sea Captain of the Spankian Harmada.

Derek

Insubordinate to Captain Wraithbone. Not too good with numbers, letters, directions, shoes, or anything more complicated than a spoon.

Citronella Plumpet

Citronella despises the common titles Strumpet, Slag, Hussie, Prostitute, or Lady of the Night. She's a Hoa, and proud of it! Her mansion is large, pink, and she has a fondness for tall wigs and white makeup that she applies with a roller. Her lips are a particular shade of rouge designed to drive men (and women on Frysdays) wild.

Clyde Hyggens (deceased)

Claude Hyggens.

Twin brother of Clyde Hyggens. Also deceased.

King Hairold

King Jams

King Wensley Cutlass (The old pyrite king who founded Formica)

Lady Aldershot nee Waterhouse

The Lady of the Manor Chateau Briande. Lady Aldershot is a force to be reckoned with.

Dullita Aldershot

Nothing interesting can be said about Dullita, Lady Aldershot's daughter, but secretly she has an absolute crush on the daemonic Mr Pumpkin, servant of the coven. She is denied her love due to not being old enough to drive a carriage. She and Sir Clyde were planning on running away together as soon as she had permission to cross the street, proving that it's always the quiet ones.

Agnes Waterhouse

The reluctant bride to the daemon Mr Pumpkin. She is Lady Aldershots favourite niece, which she tells everyone on numerous occasions.

Emily Brontosaurus

Emily is a writer known for two great things – The Book Of Similar Words, and her remarkably long neck. She is an amateur witch who can't do the spells, but that doesn't stop her from dancing around the fire and summoning pumpkins without so much as the radio on.

Charlie Brontosaurus

The sister of Emily Brontosaurus. Died horribly in a carting accident, caused by Emily.

Japes

Rustle Japes, the faithful butler of Waterhouse, finds himself without a master to serve. His desire is to write romance so intense it makes ladies undergarments catch fire.

Parochial Merriweather

The nephew of Lady Aldershot. Parochial is a missionary who wants to convert the world to profitism.

Kronos

Leader of the Centaurs and the Keeper of Time.

Tempo – Centaur. Brother to Kyroan, and wife to Kronos.

Kyroan – Captain of the Centaur guards.

Son of Kronos, the great Centaur. Centaurs have learned to bend time, but not reverse it. Coined the phrase "Time does not exist, clocks exist"

Kardios Rytmos – Child of Tempo and Kyroan

Sir Barnsby Cattlemunger

Hedgemound Threadneedle

Mister Tiperary Wickpuller

Dusty Springmattress – A maid at Waterhouse.

Sir William Wiggleshaft – the great playright (according to him)

The Stranger

A passing witch, she helps the coven at Waterhouse summon their servant.

Pumpkin

The daemon servant summoned by the coven at Waterhouse. Any argument about him is filled with straw.

Fang

Serf to Mustafah Ibn Al Zad. Her horse, Ghost, was a gift from a Formican Emperor for services rendered.

Mustafah Ibn Al Zaid

Apprentice to Mephistopheles. One of the few remaining male mages.

Salaamandar

Once a small lizard living under a rock, Salaamandar grew into a giant thanks to a splash of Hydrocarbonara from Maple’s caravan and terrorized half of Gypsum.

Memed

Chef Extraordinare from Mushylane now cooking for a takeaway outside Gypsum.

Jabir

Majikain [sic] of the Jade East. His majikal ability is only exceeded by his desire to rule the kingdom.

The Hand

A man in two minds about everything, what exactly he does is unknown, but he does for Malleus Malefatorum on occasion.

Witches

Mz Penelopoea Noble – Headmistress of Witchaven

Fanny Haddock – The Witchaven Cook. Always has a trick up her sleeve, and some flour.

Penny Farthing – A good witch who likes to wear brown, wears sensible shoes, but on weekends goes biking with strange men.

Mz Cumbria

Dame Lydia Wzorkl – The teacher of herstory and politiks.

Minjella – An evil which. Never accept a sandwich from Minjella, she is liable to put pickles on peanut butter.

Chlamydenia – Minjella's faithful sidekick.

Doreen – Minjella's unfaithful sidekick.

Rosetta – Famous for translating grimoires into nine languages. Magik doesn’t like to be translated and often puts up a fight.

Mage Ellen – Creator of Maps drawn using a system called astral projection “as seen from the sky”

Simon Saize – One of the few known male witches. Famous for writing The Simon Nekrubonikon, the only book ever published on time.

Baba Yoga – A tiny woman with even tinier legs. Despite her smallness she possessed great power. Inventor of bone stretching to cure ailments, she collected bones of all sorts and built her house from them.

Arkasha

A somewhat good witch ex-spelled from Minjella's coven. Her children are: Button, Sprig, Blossom, and Rose. Runs away and settles down with Vinnie the Goth, an amateur painter and professional art thief.

Hecate (aka Clovellia)

Maple’s arch nemesis. Hecate desires the ear of kings, and other bits too.

Olwen Flowers

Maple's good friend. Blind since birth, Olwen's pale figure glimmers like a dandelion in the morning dew. Other witches like to play tricks on her, but she is wise to their wiles.

Games

Poky – Last one with no cardes or trousers wins

Kickasack – It's a sack. You kick it. Kickasack!

Canasta- Played with five cards in each hand. The object is to get a Full Monty, but if you can get a Half Monty you only need five flowers to get the Scoop unless there's a half turn in the barrow.

Tarrow Cardes – Not technically a game, but fortune telling and gambling have a lot in common, namely there's no chance of getting your money back.

9 Mens Morris. The board is carved into a ship's deck with two concentric squares. Moving pips around the board, each player tries to grab the other one's Morris while shouting "Hello, sailor!"

Small Parts

Jacko – a long-time friend of Vinny's.

Gerald – Bit player. Also the farrier to Lady Grey.

Loedof's Cobbler – always nailing and hammering, especially around Birthday.

Klink the Banker – Small, but gathers interest over time.

Jan - Klink the Banker's son. Bit of a rough penny.

Grimoires and Books

A Collection of Similar Words by Emily Brontosaurus.

Ballistics 301 - Crystal balls and how to rub them.

Everything you ever wanted to know about balls in one easy volume.

Clamos Incantus

Book of Hexes

Lady Grimoire's Faery Tales – Lady Grimoire claims to have been abducted by a troupe of Faeries who had their way with her, which is true, but they charged extra for a thorough ravishing.

Book of Shades - School book of hexes

The Bumper Book of Nunsense – Tales about the great Pupa

The Crampus Hermetica

The Hismetica – How to win a man's heart and bet in on the horses.

The Alchemists Handbook (how to make things go boom, including the stock market)

Libri Hekseve - book of hexes

Arbatel de Magika Veterinarium – Animal magik. Includes three potions for catnip.

The Sworn Book of Hornorius (one had to take an oath of secrecy to read it, or die)

The Black Poulet (aka A Frankian in Gypsum)

The Grok Magika Papyri (The oldest known text) (describes how to create a Vodon doll)

The Lower Key of Sally Mannder (Daemonology)

The Upper Key of Sally Mannder (Spells and casting)

The Welcome Mat of Sally Mannder (Hiding in plain sight)

The Witch's Bumper Holiday Almanak (Things to do abroad, with notes on sailing and sailors)

Herb's 7th Book of Mosses (Biblical text, parting the red sea, The Seven Deadly Miracles)

Simon Nekrubonikon (time and space) – by Simon Saize

GildaBruk (Healing spells)

Picamix (gruesome spells)

The Eternally Locked Door (by Witch Pumpernickel) About things locked away, like other people’s money.

Le Petit Zizi - french grimoire of Lower Key of Sally Mannder (Le Petit Albert)

Pseudomonarchia Daemonum

Du Petit Albert (household recipes)

The Magus (study notes by famous magikians)

The Book of Shadows (Most well known)

The Cart of War – by Sun Two

“They who arrive on time get assassinated first.”

“First send your worst prisoners and make laws in your enemy’s territory protecting them. It solves two problems and keeps your enemy busy. With luck you won’t have to raise a sword.”

Historika Alumnus - notable students from Witchhaven

Codex Goggas – Book of the Weavil and small pests.

The Gypsym Book of the Dead

Code of Hamonrye – Detailing the trials of witches

Daemonologiks – The metamathemagiks behind magikal maladies. 10 Tips to Maximize your Wonton Power in Business and Pleasure.

Spells

Devious Desiderata’s Diagonal Deception

Makes you two as true can be, but be aware of the diaphanous nature of thy new reality, for which witch is which? May thee never forget thyself!

Friend of the Fisherman

A net thrown out from thee magikians hand, which ys sticky as it is spikee.

Clock-En-Spell

An anachronous membrane locking the subject in a moment of time.

Ailes du vent Choses volantes!

The summoning of wind from below, be careful what you wish for!

Transmogrification

Turning a cat into a human. Not always entirely successful.

Bric a Brac

Bodkin – a needle with a hinged latch to allow thread to enter the eye without driving you mad. Why all needles are not made like this is a mystery.

Doma – an adobe abode popular in Gypsum, built tightly together. Think beehive built by a colony of very drunk bees.

Poky – A card game played with a deck of Jokers. Last one holding all the cards and trousers wins.

Makarels – long distance crossbows used by the Gypsum army.

Mushral – a wickerwork screen popular in the Jade Feast. They provide as much privacy as any peeping hole.

Oud – fine perfume made from the anxiety of Lignum Vitae trees.

Frankenbeans – Burnt offerings.

Meh – a wood with a woody scent.

Moonblossom – a delicate white flower that only grows at night.

Jambiya – A curved knife used for buttering curved bread and dismembering the unfaithful.

Some constellations: Onion, the Big Ladle. Sprout, the Little spoon.

Séance

The Séantists of Terra Cotta are few and far between. The spend their time with important questions like how do beetles work, and what are stars made of. People already know what stars are made of (the gods) and so it is a difficult career to get a PhD in.

Wonton Physiks is the physiks of small things. The movement of small things can be extrapolated by studying the movement of dumplings in a soup. There are three types of partikles, namely moo-ons, bosoms (pairs of particles), and Liptons (particles that exist in tea space).

The Gods

Ah.

When Ugh the Caveman walked out from the great cave and became aware of the big burny thing in the sky, it is rumoured he uttered the first word, the name of the sungod, followed by several expletives about sunburn.

Al Lark – Jade Feast form of Ah. Al Lark is said to have golden feathers and soft slippers and a temper.

Ma. Ah's mother, the moon. Responsible for oceans, seas, lakes, and private swimming pools and the layer of grime at the bottom of a jacuzzi.

Fryggit – The Morning Star. Frygg is so filled with love that her cup runneth over whenever anyone gives her attention. Generally she is the first out of bed in the morning which annoys the other gods who like to sleep in.

Mike, the Messenger. Comes and goes.

Phur – the god of cats and balls of dust

Achoo, the God of Nasal Passages. First observed by King Toot before he abdicated the throne to pursue his passion of being librarian of Gypsum.

Food

Bungle

A bun with a hole in the middle, but you charge extra for the hole.

Cameltoe Tea – popular in the Middle Feast.

Cha Tea – a drink steeped in rudundancy.

Roast Centaur (obsolete) – Old Frankian dish of centaur cooked in broth, and then roasted with jersey potatoes, stuffed with spiced bread and horsenuts.

Corn Fish Pie – The cornfish, or kern, is an elusive Norphumbleland animal that only swims uphill. Once at the top of the hill it slides down the rocks to the bottom and lands with a splash in the pool, giving it a delicate and joyful flavour.

Croakonuts – Gypsum dish of fried dough balls rolled with plague frogs, or rather parts of plague frogs

Cuminbear – Very popular snack in the woods of Frankia.

Dolphin Surprise – Tinned brined dolphin cooked in mayo-nose and cuminbear grease. Make sure the dolphin is tuna friendly.

Frogtopus Pie – The Frogtopus is a creature found in holes in the modern River Styx.

Grease and bunion pie or sandwich – A wartime food lingered like an annoying guest and became a nostalgic favourite.

Mother in Law – The only curry so violent is has an arrest warrant in three countries.

Parrot Cake – a delicious and unlikely mix of two things that don't usually go in cake.

Poached Foul – Made from the ingredients in the River Styx the bottomfeeders won't touch.

Porridge Juice – Made from freshly squeezed porridge.

Shush kebab – for the quiet diner, or doner.

Squishimi – rolls of raw food wrapped in lice.

Tam Saghir – little snakes. Eating snakes before dinner can ruin your appetite.

Shook Milk – Does what it says on the tin, two scoops if you like it sweeter.

Snake and Kidney pie – has a bite to it.

Snotted cream. Some things are better left a mystery.

Animals

Gunta – Maple's faithful donkey. Knocked up a filly and went to live on a farm, according to Earl Grey.

Redrum – Maple's horse. Ex-racehorse, rescued from Garron the Glueman.

Ghost – Fang's horse.

Dumbbeetles – Really really stupid beetles.

Butterfleas

Firefleas

Things

Carbonated Iron – hardened steel, invented in Formica.

Dragon – canon, fashioned in Formica to look like a giant hairy lizard

Dragon's balls – made of iron

Dragon's breath – smoke from a Dragon

Quotes

Always be yourself so people know who to avoid.

You lost me at hello.

It's what it's.

Time does not exist, clocks exist – Kyroan, son of the centaur king, Kronos.